Baby shower etiquette debate erupts over asking about missing pregnancy updates

A chartered accountant’s question about whether to reach out after a February baby shower, with no baby update by June, drew more than 8,000 likes and set off a sharp etiquette fight over privacy, loss and the pressure to explain silence. What began as a simple can-I-check-in debate quickly became a larger argument about how much information guests should expect when pregnancy and early parenthood go quiet online.

Baby showers began gaining popularity in the United States in the late 1940s, and the tradition dates to the postwar baby boom of the 1940s and 1950s. Today, paper invitations, digital invitations and texts are all acceptable, and the parent-to-be can host the shower, even for a second or third baby, often called a sprinkle.

Inviting people who live thousands of miles away can still make sense, even when they cannot realistically attend in person, and far-away friends and family can be included through Zoom or Skype. Babylist survey data show 91 percent of surveyed parents-to-be were involved in planning their shower to some degree and 25 percent hosted their own shower with no other help.

A caring check-in is brief, specific and optional: a note that says you are thinking of the parent-to-be, that there is no pressure to respond, and that you are available if they want to share news. An intrusive message demands an explanation, repeats the question or treats silence as a problem.

The Seleni Institute advises against pushing grieving parents, minimizing their pain or assuming they are ready to talk. It also notes that some people who have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth may never want to attend another baby shower again. A 2023 academic review found social media has become an effective way to share pregnancy, birth and early-parenthood experiences.